They explain:

“WANTED FOR ASSAULT: WED. 10/30 9:16PM This man stalked me home into my apartment lobby and punched me in the head and jaw several times after I brushed by him at 18th and Valencia as he was standing in the crowded street looking at his phone. The last thing he said was “I know where you live!” Caucasian, 5′ 10″, 30-35, 170-180 lbs, short dark hair. He was wearing a tan or gray sweater and blue jeans. If anyone has any information on this attack please call the SFPD: (415) 558-5400, case #130922883. Flyers will be going up all over town….”

I’m about to relate a story attributed to an anonymous source. As journalism class and The Wire taught us, be wary. The girl that told me this might be a compulsive liar, or I might be a compulsive liar, so be wary. Also, I make unwarranted disparaging remarks about Nairobi, for which I apologize in advance.

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Friend X: i had a very umm sobering experience last night
Allan: ?
Friend X: and im gonna try to avoid going out at least untill next weekend when my ex is here visitig
i was wasted really wasted
and a cabbie took advantage of that
he literally threw me out of the cab and on to the pavement and took off with my wallet and phone in there
Sent at 7:24 PM on Monday
Friend X: im covered in bruises and found blood in my hair and am pretty much terrified
Allan: omg
Friend X: yeah.
Allan: what is this, nairobi?
Friend X: exactly
my roommate came home today
and i said jenn i think i need a hug
and was completely serious
i just started crying
kinda a wreck
and in drinking too much ive been puking all day
which is sucky in general but it hurts too cuz im so bruised up
apparently someone found the wallet and called wcities today
i met up with them in the mission (while trying not to puke on the bus)
and got it back but he took all 100 in cash which i expected
but every penny too
and my muni pass
nairobi.
Allan: where did he pick you up?
Friend X: in front of kilowatt
Allan: wow that makes it mission relevant. can i put your story on my blog if i promise not to call you a hater?
Friend X: yeah if you just say ” a friend of mine”
or name changed
Allan: i just think the public has a right to know it’s fuckin nairobi out there.
guard your kidneys bitches!
Friend X: no kidding
im honestly wondering if i should go to a dr to make sure i dont have a concussion or anything
plus i feel like an idiot
and i was blackout drunk which is bad
and i dont remember a significant portion of my night
but i do remember what happened and how terrifying it was
Allan: yeah i’d grab a checkup
Sent at 7:35 PM on Monday
Friend X: i have a lump on my temple from where i hit my head
and am super bruised all over

So if you get blotto at Kilowatt or anywhere else, hold on to your organs.

Link to Kilowatt.

Link to more crime-related Mission Mission coverage.

Link to post in which I call somebody a hater.

Photo: stoney taxi view by jfredericksen