Local comedian’s brush with Facebook wealth

Local comedian Emily Heller, on the occasion of Facebook’s IPO, shares the tale of her brush with Facebook wealth. She’d grown up with a lot of kids who went on to bigger and better things (at Facebook):

When I was on the debate team in high school, there was a kid on my team named Justin. He was a couple years older than me, and he was a genius. He used to teach an elective physics class to the other smarty pantses who were too smart for the physics classes that the TEACHERS at our school offered. I, meanwhile, didn’t even take science senior year, opting instead for three history classes, a poetry class, and remedial math.

One day, Justin and I were talking about the future. I knew he was going places; places I would never go; places that had lots of money in them. I asked him what his plan was, and here’s what he told me:

“I’m going to graduate from Stanford in two years. Then, I’ll do grad school in a year. Then I’m going to find some way to make millions of dollars very quickly. Then, when I’m twenty-five, I’m going to retire.”

Read on for the dramatic conclusion, which takes place out front of an SF warehouse party.

24 Responses to “Local comedian’s brush with Facebook wealth”

  1. skull krusher says:

    There are still warehouse parties in SF?

  2. Greg says:

    That is one of those pictures that makes me happy.

  3. Dillon says:

    Wow good for Justin, I would make his coffee and egg + tomato breakfast sandwiches every morning at my work. I haven’t seen him for a while. I would never have guessed in a million years that this very quite, reserved and averagely nice guy was worth almost a quarter of billion dollars.

    I really wish I had that much money, is that shallow? Should have studied a more worth while subject in college.

    • Jacob says:

      I don’t think what you studied in college has much to do with what you decide to pursue in the future. I know tons of people in technology that have degrees in History, Latin, Creative Writing, etc…

      All you need is one good idea and the people to make it happen.

      • Dillon says:

        Very true Jacob. Let’s get to brainstorming.

        • Jacob says:

          Ironically (or not), I am working on a project plan using the software that this dude’s company makes (Asana) right this moment.

          • Dillon says:

            I was just checking out Asana, it looks like a really helpful tool, I’ll definitely be checking it out once I need to use it. Task management can really help nurture a strong workflow.

      • Bilbo says:

        False – you need a pedigree. The people you know with those degrees didn’t get them from a CSU. They got them at places where the name on the degree matters more than the subject of the degree itself.

        • MrEricSir says:

          Ivy League degrees certainly don’t hurt, but I know quite a few folks who have liberal arts degrees from SFSU and do engineering work.

          Experience is worth more than a degree.

          • Bilbo says:

            Totally, but no one said anything about being an engineer. Going “into technology” generally means ivy league grads working in marketing or adwords.

        • Jacob says:

          In other cases, perhaps. In my case, you are categorically incorrect.

          My brother, for example, has a History degree from a small liberal arts college in Illinois. Tomorrow, he will be speaking for an hour at Maker Faire about a machine that he invented and makes a pretty significant amount of money off of.

          You speak as though there is a magical, mystical being reigning over us that only allows a select few to become successful and that just isn’t the case. Play the victim all you want, but hard work and good ideas WILL get you somewhere if you have the personal wherewithal to either:

          1. Execute the ideas yourself.


          2. Find the right people to do it for you under your direction.

          • rent is too damn high says:

            What I want to know is why all you people come out here? Can’t you just work on your “ideas” back in Illinois and give us locals and natives a break? Please?

          • Jacob says:

            Haha, have you ever spent a Winter (or Summer) in the Midwest? THAT, my friend, is why we come here.

        • Herr Doktor Professor Deth Vegetable says:

          Bilbo, I’m afraid you’re off the mark, here. Many of the most successful people I know in the technology field don’t have any degree at all (hell, some of them are highschool dropouts). Myself, I only went back to school after I’d been working in the tech field for almost ten years.

          The tech field is one where we are lucky enough to be judged by WHAT we know, not HOW we know it, for the most part. And that is something I really like about it.

  4. WhiskerWatch says:

    off topic, but related story:
    I went to a weird stand up comedy night in the attic of a house once. Emily was performing, but I didn’t know her or any of the other performers. I got a really creepy vibe from her and her friends as we were mulling around before. As in secret conversations as they stared at me, and pointing, etc.
    During her set, she abruptly stops and calls me out (I had very distinctive facial hair). Apparently I am a spitting image of her brother, who she later showed me a picture of. It was creepy – it could have been a picture of me.
    Also, apparently the pointing was because her friends thought it was really weird that her brother would come to her show, but not even say hi to her.
    She did not give me $20.

    • Emily Heller says:

      HEY! Just as a follow-up – I showed my brother the picture of you after that show and he said, “Normally when people say they saw someone who looks like me, I don’t believe him, but that guy really fucking looks like me.”

      Also as for the post being down: I realized I probably shouldn’t be ruffling any millionaires’ feathers right now from my lofty perch at this temp job. I hope you enjoyed it while it was up though!

      (the story ends with him giving me twenty dollars)

      Gossip Girl

    • Emily'sBro says:

      @WhiskerWatch – Neither can live while the other survives

  5. awwww i never got to read the dramatic conclusion and now emily’s post has been removed :(

  6. HotwireMY says:

    Wait, I thought Justin Timberlake grew up in Tennessee?

  7. Teotwawki Jones says:

    Girls with braces and faces like that are always eventually exposed as trannies and liars.