[PHOTO REDACTED BECAUSE I'M NICE, BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD. CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION.]
Writer and “former startup person” Kate Imbach (not pictured) tells us about it in a new story called “A Woman in Tech,” using a fictional world where animals (of varying spots on the food chain) run tech companies:
I’m the only female swan in the office of a very successful start-up. Vanity Fair and Fortunehave profiled our CEO, a handsome teenage grizzly bear. He has no idea what he’s doing. He lumbers around, throwing fish from the $100,000 custom aquarium (we still aren’t even profitable!) into his mouth, talking about how great salmon is for his fur while the rest of us fill out spreadsheets and make him rich. Only in San Francisco could you have a CEO who hibernates for six months a year.
The bear has a temper. If something displeases him during a meeting he roars and growls like a madman. During these outbursts I roll my eyes at the golden retrievers from sales while the bear’s assistant, an aggrieved sparrow, tries to feed him whichever cold-pressed juice BuzzFeed says is best for nerves. Watching a bird try to feed a bear an $8 bottle of juice is enough to keep a draft of my resignation letter in a secret folder, believe me.
The worm asks me to lunch almost every day, and occasionally out of professional decorum I feel obliged to eat with him. Last week as we waited for our orders in a café, he sank back into his sticky tube of a body, looked me up and down and asked, “Hey now, so how do you keep so fit?”
Ick. Read on for lots more.