Mission Mission

It’s by Ramona Emerson, one of the best writers of all time:

The weird thing about working all day everyday is that you’re going to die. and when you die you’re dead forever. Like who is the person who said, “I know. Five days will be for work and two days will be for brunch and everything else good.” That person must have hated people. And the thing is we just go along with it like there’s some kind of biological imperative to work five days a week. Like evolutionary psychology could be made to explain it just like it is made to explain everything that no one wants to deal with. You’re 28 and salad is the best part of your day. And then you sit in these neatly arranged spaces, tucked between office partitions that are supposed to make everything feel “organized” and “productive,” but mostly just remind you that your entire day has been divided into little boxes just like your time.

People have such weird ideas about work. If you told your mom you hated your boyfriend and he made you want to die, she would be like, “Break up with him!” But if you told your mom that you hated your job and it made you want to die, she’d be all, “Maybe you need to adjust your expectations.”

Offices are so strange. It’s so hard to know what’s going on in them. Are other people  working? It’s impossible to say since for a lot of people working has become indistinguishable from fucking around on the internet.

Read on for lots more, including bathroom sex fantasies and spinach and goat cheese salad.

(Thanks Michael!)

Oakland gadfly Ryan Christopher Parks has the scoop:

Well, it’s going to have skateboards, and it’s for Google +, which of course fit together naturally like peanut butter and jelly, right?  And it’s going to be somewhere in the vicinity between 20th and 25th Street and Valencia and Harrison, which is actually a pretty damn big area to cover.  Oh, and there’ll also be some filming on that steep part of Liberty between Guerrero and Valencia, but no mention of skateboards for that part, so anyone hoping for some sick hill bombing is going to be quite disappointed.

Hmmm, Google + and skateboards?  That’ll get the millennials back.  Sure.

[Link, Link]

Almost makes you want to print up some posters telling tech workers they’re hated and they should leave.

[via Sexpigeon]

Or you could go the “submit to our new antenna-bearing alien overlords” caption route if you were feeling cheeky.

I received an email this morning that first made me do the double-facepalm, then made my blood boil the more I thought about it.  I’m posting it here in order to be instructive to future companies to never send anything like this again.  I’ve also omitted the name of the sender and the company he represents, only because I don’t want to completely destroy his life Peter Shih-style.

Hey Andrew,

I think your audience at MissionMission will really enjoy this release. Not only is ******** a cool app (I’m biased!) but it’s an awesome/inspiring use case they will be able to relate to.

Let me know what you think – I’m happy to tweak, expand, etc. as you see necessary.

Looking forward to hearing back!

-****

Press Release:

Neighbor Discovers Mission District Fire with San Francisco Only App ********

A Mission District man determines the cause for commotion and smoke to be the apartment fire through real-time images of the fire delivered by fellow Mission resident through community-driven mobile app ********.

SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 29, 2015 — Last night, many residents of San Francisco’s Mission District were trying to determine the cause for the emergency vehicles and smoke at the onset of the Mission District apartment building fire. One resident, Jonathan W. took a unique approach and was quickly able to not only discover the cause but see the fire in action right on his phone. Jonathan connected with another San Francisco resident, Fritz S., using the app ******** to see what was happening at the heart of the emergency.

New app ******** let’s San Franciscans check out any place in the city, anytime with real-time help from another community member already there. Jonathan took advantage by asking what was happening at 22nd and Mission to cause the emergency. Another ******** member near the fire answered his question and posted a photo of the fire. This photo was then public in the app and quickly became the most upvoted post in San Francisco – quickly spreading awareness throughout the ******** community.

“The ******** community is awesome!” said ******** Cofounder ***. “Not only are people finding the top things happening in the city, knowing what the local weather is like, and finding out if their favorite restaurant is packed – community members are using the app to discover and share emergency situations that could potentially help save lives.”

Next time you need to see what’s happening at ground zero of an emergency – or if you just want to see what your favorite cafe, park, bar, or more look like right now – let the community at ******** help.

Folks, can we all agree that taking advantage of a disaster in order to promote your business is NEVER a good idea?  Seriously.

I really had my fingers crossed for Crissy Field so I could blog from the beach, but ohhh well. I guess I can blog from the ping pong tables at Mission Rec.

[via Curbed SF]

Some words are just too sacred, and mean so much to so many people, that they shouldn’t have to undergo the indignity of being appropriated in order to woo the fortunes of some narcissistic VC. As our pal Eric put it:

Seriously?!? Can’t they just call it kloosh or something? Jesus Christ.

If someone ever tries to raise seed money for a startup called Dune, I’m going to go all Muad’Dib on their asses. And honestly, this isn’t even a hypothetical anymore — there are already casino apps out there with names like “Spice Slots” and bonus rounds called “the Gom Jabbar.” A whole sci-fi cathedral, sandblasted into pitch-deck filler. Kloosh. Just call it kloosh.

[via Apres Garde]