Tiffany Had a Bad Time at Dolores Park, Yelped About It

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I feel like this could easily be an Onion story in which a “journalist” interviews an irate suburbanite about their exaggeratedly bad time at Dolores Park and subsequent Yelp review.  Only this is real life:

#1 – Dont buy baked goods from people here, or breathe the air in general if you work at a job where you are drug tested. I was so stoned I couldnt function correctly for days (Please See Review of Delano’s IGA).

#2 – Wild, muddy dog runs wild and drops tennis ball soaked in mud/vomit/hell on my bare legs. Steph throws ball away. Rabid great dane thinks this is fun. Runs to another blanket with a dog and recruits him to join terror spree. Three minutes later, a pack of dogs are running amuck, knocking over margaritas, stepping on the packages of boys in neon blue speedos, slobbering on small children who scream in terror. The owners watch, nonplussed. So much for leashes. Lesson: I now have a love of muzzles and a renewed disgust for all varieties of balls.

#3 – Man wearing American Airlines headphones props himself above my lady friends and I and politely smiles, yet begins to masturbate. He finishes after we squeal and laugh and point. He decides to move closer down the hill to us and go for round two. Lesson: If this is the  ”view” and “culture” everyone is raving about, count me out.