Clooney's: The Next Hot Bar in the Mission

I had never been down to Clooney’s before but commenters constantly mentioned this as potentially one of the diviest shitholes in the Mission.  Turns out it isn’t that shitty but a pretty badass spot.  There are no $2 cans of PBR but $2.25 Busch pints seem like a worthy replacement.  Bonus points for n’sync on the jukebox, free hot dog night (Vegans: call Clooney’s and demand Soy Pups!), an uncrowded pool table, a mini library (complete with legendary titles such as Star Trek: Possession and Gone with the Nerd), and the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that you come to expect.  Best of all, the weekend warriors that bring down the quality of other Mission bars won’t come within striking distance of the place, so it can easily become the Mission’s cool kid refuge camp.

Clooney's Tavern: 1936

Found above the urinal

24 Responses to “Clooney's: The Next Hot Bar in the Mission”

  1. Ariel Dovas says:

    Noo! That’s it, Kevin. I’m not telling you about my secret divey bar hangout. So secret and divey that I don’t even let myself go there. You’re too popular for your own good.

  2. Jay says:

    You know, this is actually a good idea. I don’t go there frequently, but in the half-dozen or so times I’ve been there, I’ve gotten in a fight (pretty rare for me), helped a drunk out of his own vomit and duct-taped a guy to his bar stool. I think we have a winner!

  3. sharrocker says:

    how can you only now be discovering the genius of the world of clooney’s?

  4. Cranky Old Mission Guy says:

    That George Clooney guy is way too busy this fall!

  5. Glenparker says:

    There is no way in hell that the regulars at Clooney’s will ever allow you carpet-bagging hipsters to make their bar the “next big thing.”

  6. natoma_head says:

    there are cool kids in the mission?

  7. thepixelsuite says:

    Clooney’s wins my vote as the Mission bar most likely to have a couple of drunkards screaming at each other just outside the doorway.

  8. Juan says:

    I can’t wait for the first of many beatings of your slumming asses. These guys don’t play. And as soon as your iphones start snapping pictures for your blogs and facebook pages the pummellings will commence.

    Actually, this is pretty irresponsible journalism. You’re seriously going to send the delicate, sensitive Dolores Park kids to Clooney’s to ask for Busch pints? Their (coke-clotted) blood will be on your hands Montgomery…

  9. EH says:

    Glenparker has it, Clooney’s is a brightly-lit 6am’er bar. I’ve been waiting for years to find out when kids would try to gentrify it, be sure to let us know of any progress. Until then, “nice try.”

  10. chalkman says:

    the only bar I’ve been in SF with grimmer barflies than Clooney’s was that weird John Wayne Gacy-like clown bar in the Inner Sunset, I think it was called the Wishing Well.

  11. Neo Displacer says:

    I know I am repeating myself but fuck it. Clooney’s is the only bar I have ever been in where someone was passed out with their head on the bar and the bartender didn’t give him the righteous heave-ho. My friend was also seriously hit by the bar fly. She sat on his lap, ran her fingers through his hair, and cooed in his ear. He was totally skeeved.

  12. two beers says:

    the regulars eat ironically-hirsute, tight-pantsted fixie-douches for breakfast. just saying.

  13. Old School says:

    Please, it’s at 25th and Valencia, one block from Dovre, practically across the street from Suriya/Pi Bar (sigh) – you really think you’re the first non-alcoholic to walk in there? This little conversation about regulars being “badass” and it being a hidden gem are what make other people think you people are idiots. It’s just a bar.

  14. fabulous freddy from fremont says:

    Leave those people alone. Don’t f**k with their thing. If you do go there, respect them and do NOT call in for soy dogs. Don’t think they’ll beat you up, but just try not to make a scene – there are very few bars left in the Mission where people can go to have a drink without getting swamped by the transplant “I’m unique” crowd.

    Seriously, for a lot of people there, this is the only place to go, and it may be the most important thing in their lives – the place they can hang out with their friends and not get hassled by anyone else. Don’t take that away from them just so you can post on your blog that you went somewhere “new”. You may leave in a few years, but these folks WON’T. There are plenty of other “edgy” bars for you people. Respect theirs.

    • two beers says:

      your sentiment and concern for the long-time locals means nothing to my need to act out and be noticed once I leave my cubicle. who cares if this is the last bar to be destroyed by the ravenous hipster maw? the maw needs to be fed!

  15. G. Urusus says:

    Don’t fear Clooney’s has already been colonized. Heck I heard this was one of the places the guys who opened Broken Record tried to buy. I was having ironic before work shots there back in 2000.

    There is nothing to see here, no need for Mission Mission readers to investigate, and stop claiming the Clooney’s regulars are some sort of murderous cannibal clan, they are simply normal bar regulars.

    Also remember “Naps Only” has Kar-o-kee.

  16. Stephan says:

    This blog is pretty embarrassing.

  17. Renzomatic says:

    This is why this blog is dumb sometimes, “Oooo, the next cool thing!” while at the same time everyone decries the fact that once-cool places are now overrun by (name your worst fear) undesirables.

    So, head on over to Clooney’s, act like you found the place out of nowhere, and they’ll we’ll patiently wait until you get back up and say “I remember clooney’s from back in 2009, and it was great, long before they started selling soy dogs, and the lines for pool were manageable”.

    As much as things change, so much stays the same.

  18. eddo says:

    Little known fact: Broken Record, back when they were looking to open up a bar in 2007, considered opening up where Clooney’s is (and has been, as far as I can tell, forever). They ended up at their current place in Crocker Amazon/Excelsior-adjacent on Geneva, but if they had gone and opened up in the Clooney’s space, with their large whiskey collection and foodie sausages and whatnot, 25th & Valencia would be crackalackin.

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