Staying Relevant in 2010

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can stay culturally relevant in 2010.  Facts: PBR/Tecate/Olympia are getting slutted, Mission Mission commenters tell me that Bender’s was just a 2009 meme, and fixies are a little too mainstream.

Luckily I just spotted this (spot on) video, hipsters discussing cyclocross, thus answering one of these questions.  Cyclocross (or “cross” for those obsessed with sparing syllables) bikes will replace color-coordinated fixies as the 20-something bar-bike of choice in 2010.  ’makes total sense.  A little known fact about ‘cross racers is that they already needlessly color coordinate their bikes, among other cool things.  Take my roommate’s bike:

His ride is so hip for many reasons*:

  1. It’s almost completely white.  White is so euro right now.  White is the bleeding edge of cool.  Plus when you get hit by a Muni, your friends don’t have to paint your bike ghost.
  2. Almost all the parts are made in Asia.  Asian bike parts are pretty hot in the cool kid community right now so the transfer of legitimacy will be easy.
  3. His frame is handmade by Mike Ahrens, which means he paid more than $150 for it.  Being “limited” (via gringo economic superiority) is pretty important these days because it helps demonstrate your uniqueness (read: unfettered access to your trust fund).
  4. He has to glue his tires onto his rims, thus giving him two ups over urban fixies: 1) he “accidentally” becomes “lightheaded” while fixing a flat tire and 2) he has just that much more connection to the ground.  He can feel his skid stop, the cycling equivalent of sex without a condom.  Reckless.  Feels so good.

(* none of these stereotypes apply to my roommate.  He actually works hard for his money and has a very nice haircut)

So, what about beer and bars?  The beer question is pretty easy.  I have no doubt that Colt 45 will become the beer of the year.  It’s pretty hard to find it in bars in the Mission, giving it the necessary level of rarity and exclusivity to become the next top brew.  I also watched a bunch of cool kids crushing Colts at the OTHERSIDE Cafe (vegan sandwiches until 2am, beer, bicycles, and website is a MySpace page) on a recently trip to Boston, indicating that the messenger community back East is embracing the malted goodness of Colt.  I even ordered some myself to fit in.  They’re pretty tasty.

I still have not figured out what the cool Mission bar of 2010 is.  When I figure it out, I’ll be sure to post about it once a week, minimum.

46 Responses to “Staying Relevant in 2010”

  1. Mike says:

    I’ll throw Clooney’s into the ring -

    It’s on the southern extent of Valencia, which has yet to fully hipsterize, but will be gobbled up this year (note the closing of long-term businesses (Lark’s) and the opening of the typical Valencia-type businesses (Pi Bar)) – it’s a ‘dive’ without any obvious redeeming features (now they just need to double their prices to fit in) – and it seems to have carved out a niche:

    “When your eyes won’t close and your nose is rose, Clooney’s! Clooney’s! Don’t mind the sun? Good time for a run!!! Clooney’s! Clooney’s!”

    - Mike

    • You could be on to something, although I think Pi Bar will be closed by summer based on the fact no one has anything good to say about their pizza (although people gush about the beer selection, which isn’t enough to carry a restaurant).

      http://www.yelp.com/biz/pi-bar-san-francisco

    • johnny0 says:

      Any place that has a line on Tuesday night is doing something right.

      • From what I’ve heard, it’s got a line because the service is slow and the patrons treat it more like a bar than a restaurant. I’ve still haven’t heard anyone compliment the quality of the pizza.

      • johnny0 says:

        The pizzas aren’t going to beat out Delfina or Flour + Water for best in the city, but the slices are solid (sorry Arinell’s) and quick. (Whole pies do take a while.)

        Trust me, KevMo, in 15 years you’ll be begging for a place like Pi Bar near you. I. AM. YOUR. FUUUTURE.

      • Alex K says:

        Pi Bar is essentially a yuppy overpriced beer bar that also happens to sell it’s patrons very mediocre slices of pizza. it’s hard to name a worse slice in the mission; Arinell, Serrano’s, Deja Vu, Escape, they all got it beat. the fact that there’s a line says something about the direction that the neighborhood is moving in . . .

  2. Leah says:

    “I also watched a bunch of cool kids crushing Colts at the OTHERSIDE Cafe (vegan sandwiches until 2am, beer, bicycles, and website is a MySpace page) on a recently trip to Boston…”

    I’m pretty sure you called them “bros” and lamented the fact that the OTHERSIDE had been discovered by non-vegan-hipster types. Oh, the humanity.

  3. Mike says:

    This is *not* meant to be a snide bash on the poster of this comment, but is contextually humorous:

    “But here’s the stunner: I grabbed a couple of pizzas to bring home to watch Monday night football with a few friends. That’s two pizzas and nothing else. No beer. No soda. No salad. No happy ending. Nada. After tax and tip it was $70. HOLY MOTHER OF MARY! That’s WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much for two medicocre pizzas. They should disclaim that they are fleecing you when you call in a to order to-go.”

    Getting someone to actually pay $70 for 2 pizzas without diving into the details of the bill is interesting, and speaks a bit to our neighborhood -

    The generic comment ‘with tax *and tip*’ for a $70 two-pizza takeout order makes me want to revisit the lease terms for a few of the open spaces on the block.

    Even in this economy, there is a lot of dispensable income on our streets… if I can turn the corner on ways to make charity really feel as good as that impulse-buy-sweater-that-you’ll-never-wear, I’ll feel much better about the changing financial inputs and outputs within our area.

    - Mike

  4. clueless says:

    is MGD also 2009? i see people drinking the beer my mom used to drink when i was a wee kid back in the day.

  5. matteller says:

    Clooney’s is a good bar. So is Dovre Club just kitty corner down the block at 26th and Valencia. Pi Bar pizza really is nothing to rave about, neat space tho.Thankfully there’s already a documentary about how authentic Cyclocross is:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkOhzvv-4vA

  6. friscolex says:

    Whoa, Colt 45, bringing me back to high school! Nothing beat a shared 40 oz of one of those before a Maritime Hall show… I thought we outgrew that, although I guess everything old is new again?

    ALSO…

    “Plus when you get hit by a Muni, your friends don’t have to paint your bike ghost.”

    The use of the article in “a MUNI” is ironic, right? Please tell me so. (If not, we don’t use articles for freeways either here.)

  7. random says:

    On the East Coast at least, Colt .45 seems to be trying to remake themselves into a sub-rosa hipster beer of choice in the PBR mold, giving out free samples at hip events.

    • johnny0 says:

      For truly exclusive hipster irony you need a crappy foreign beer. Black Label or Labatt 50 is a great place to start.

      • gregory says:

        wow labatt 50 — there’s a blast from the past! i remember my momma drinking those, in the old stubby bottles from Brewer’s Retail!

        and as for new hipster trends…. wouldn’t it be nice if it became hip to learn spanish and talk to your neighbors!! podríamos esperar…

  8. bonusj says:

    It is “the Muni.” In SF this is how we roll. We do not capitalize – The Muni ain’t no fricking acronym. Get it straight.

    Along with the Muni, accessorized Segways and walking long distances carrying containers of stuff on your head will be big hitters in 2010.

    Desalinized & purified bay water will be the bev of choice.

  9. equation says:

    Like DEVO said “through being cool”
    Stylisticnlightenment is not giving a fuck. People pick up on that and try to look like they DGF, but they fake and hated. Stop trying start dying.

  10. Alex K says:

    i’ve been riding a cyclocross bike in the city for years; it’s very practical, so i don’t think it will catch on. i predict rickshaws will be the must-have ride in 2010.

    • “I predict rickshaws will be the must-have ride in 2010.”

      This will certainly further our alignment with Austin especially with the sudden increase in food-cart popularity here in SF.

      As for bar, I think we should go big or go home. The Castro is the new Mission bar.

  11. equation says:

    whoa that came out f’d up.

  12. equation says:

    wood-burning helicopters

  13. pixeltan says:

    When will people just stop trying? I remember being at the Potrero del Sol skatepark and seeing a hipster and a marina-type trying to skate the bowl (they had to walk into the bowl and start at the bottom). Marina types and hipsters have more in common than they think—they try something without any sort of commitment. Its these people that I would love to kidnap and leave in Bayview at night.

  14. slyder24 says:

    Hey isn’t that Sexpigeon’s bike that got jacked?

  15. equation says:

    drop in or drop out

  16. Concerned Guajolote says:

    Step 1: Stop using the word “relevant”; 2006 called and it wants its cliche back.

  17. jimbeam says:

    Maybe 2010 will be the year where staying relevant in the Mission is actually the opposite of staying relevant in the Mission.

  18. GayFed says:

    Mercury was in retrograde THREE times in 2009! I don’t know what the fuck that means but I had a shitty year. If Y2K9 was a year of recession, thrift, and reflection, then you’re probably tired of caring about stupid things. Step into the next decade by stepping your game up:

    1. I’m sick of bikes and skateboards. If Santa’s gay ass comes through, I’ll be riding to the bar in a fresh new pair of Heelys next year. That’s right—I’m 11-years-old.
    2. Are you trying to tell me that white is the new black or something? Black is beautiful. What are you, racist?
    3. I think it’s OK to wear white shoes though, because authentic black people wear them. At least rappers do—I don’t know any real-life black people.
    4. New bars? It’d be hilarious to start slumming it in Fremont but I’d rather just keep complaining about how the bars suck on the weekend.
    5. Pet peeve: bartender doesn’t serve my cerveza with a lime. The Tecate of 2010: Miller Chill.
    6. I’m one of those people, for whom “cocaine doesn’t do that much” (i.e. I never know where to buy it). Those of us who abstain are tired of hearing about it. There are a lot of cheap and dubious ways to get high. Please get creative next year.
    7. I want to tell you that ANYTHING ELSE will be the flannel of 2010 but I don’t want to lie to you. The members of the Mission set will be wearing that shit till they make that move to New York / go back to school / OD and die.
    8. I know you think Dolores Park is edgy because you can buy four kinds of ganja treats. But you can score horse and watch youth soccer at Garfield Park = DP of 2010.

    • pixeltan says:

      1. You’re sick of bikes and skateboards cause you were too late to be “authentic” and you care too much abut what hipsters are doing?

      2. Wait a minute, you mean that ignoring that there are other colors isn’t racist? I thought brown was the new mauve.

      3. Black people and hipsters can wear cool white shoes, but unfortunately my friend, you have to keep wearing those god-awful white cross-training shoes.

      4. Maybe its time to start slumming it in old bars, you know, the one’s in the city, but not in the Valencia corridor.

      5. I thought that Budweiser clamato was the new Tecate with lime—or maybe they’re not serving you a lime because you tip bartenders like you tip baristas.

      6. Maybe you should lay off the cocaine, then maybe you could get creative.

      7. I want to tell you that I’d rather see flannel in 2010 more than polo tees and khakis or branded shirts and white cross trainers, but then I’d be attacking your closet.

      8. Obviously, you were hanging out at DP far too long and are jaded because you called it DP and want everyone else to go somewhere else so you can set up your folding chairs and eat oysters in front of the homeless.

  19. sam says:

    cyclocross is cool, but i ride a bmx! for life!

  20. gregory says:

    oh god not horse! anything but junk! but it does seem kinda the way things are headed, once a scene is too young to know anyone who died that way. (blow too, for that matter. ditto crystal.) (as an aside… you know those record opium harvests in Afghanistan? it’s a rolling wave that will wash up here sooner or later. maybe 2010 is the year 18th street goes back to needle alley…)

  21. chalkman says:

    I predict a return to the old school love of Hi-Life Quarts for the oldsters and Mickey’s grenades for the young’uns….

  22. katherine says:

    Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

    Black history in Montana

  23. wkndlfe says:

    That bike is missing pedals and bartape and the saddle may as well be upside down. Poor example of the future of hip bikes.

    • matteller says:

      Excellent knowing about bikes skills. I too noticed those things. What is a compelling mystery tho is that the brake hoods are folded properly for re-taping the bars. But then, why was the photo taken in the middle of this possible re-taping, if moments after this photo was taken some undoubtedly white bar tape was to be applied to those naked bars?

  24. elena says:

    The new hipster beer is quickly becoming Red Oval and/or Simpler Times. Both of these tasty treasures can be found at Trader Joe’s (exclusively) and cost less (or maybe equal to?) PBR.

  25. [...] Mission’s Kevin Montgomery reflects on how to maintain culturally relevant in 2010. The author’s key findings include: “PBR/Tecate/Olympia are getting slutted,” “Bender’s [...]

  26. hep says:

    wow it’s this entire entry is like reading bikesnob last month. a+ for once again copying a more humorous blog guys.

  27. bro says:

    Oh no, the douches at Mission Mission have discovered Hipster Runoff

  28. [...] buy some cantilever brakes, mud flaps, and a shitload of more gears for my bike. I’ve got to stay relevant, after [...]

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