Don’t order a double mocha at Philz or they will laugh at you

Our pal Lauren found out the hard way:

Forgetting where I was, I mindlessly ordered a “double mocha” at Philz because it felt like November today. The barista scoffed, looked me up and down and said, “Ashley. Sweetie. You’ve never been here before, have you?” And then everyone behind the counter laughed at me.

And then a bucket of pig’s blood fell on my head.

And that’s why you shouldn’t drink coffee.

[Photo by Hae Eun]

38 Responses to “Don’t order a double mocha at Philz or they will laugh at you”

  1. PJ says:

    Honestly, people should just go to Starbucks to order their Starbucks drinks. The line is already long enough without having to wait behind dome dipshit who needs to have the concept of what a real macchiato is explained to them (and whether or not Phil’z will make one for them).

  2. Raq says:

    My response would be “Nope! And based on this interaction, I won’t be back again!” You can still take people’s money without being a dick about it.

  3. Cheezer says:

    Why have those kinds of drinks on the menu if you wont make them?
    Philz is awful.

  4. Heather c says:

    I went into Phil’s once, not knowing they don’t serve espresso. When I ordered an espresso drink, the staff was rude and condescending. They could have just told me they don’t have espresso, but no, that was too straightforward. They wasted everyone’s time being dicks to me. Obviously I haven’t been back.

    • Sue says:

      I’ve made that same mistake

    • Ryan says:

      Because its too hard to read their menu and see what they offer? Dont blame others for your lack of effort, or illiteracy. Either way your loss, their coffee is the bomb.

    • blurgh says:

      Except they DO serve espresso. That was my drink for the longest time. They pour espresso over the espresso. The shit is crack. And each and every time the barista asked: “You HAVE had this before, right?!?”

      Phil told me once to only drink a little bit of it, then keep it on my counter overnight.

  5. MrEricSir says:

    Nah, it’s funnier to try ordering a Frappuccino at Four Barrel.

  6. scum says:

    I just ask for a cup of hot water for my bag of Lady Grey.

  7. Mr. Blackwell says:


  8. Xrt says:

    Philz is the best coffee. They don’t serve espresso. Imagine going into Four Barrel and ordering a smoothy.

  9. Riley says:

    Oh oh, is this one of these places where an order for a large cup of black coffee requires one to play 20-questions?

    I have a sense that this is one of those french press places where a cup of coffee requires one to make many choices about beans and the like. Is it?

  10. Gigi says:

    Philz doesn’t have double mochas or espressos. They make your coffee or tea handmade right in front of you. Isn’t that enough? You choose what beans you want and everything, it’s actually a specialty coffee shop and not really a cafe per se where they make your basic coffee type drinks, like macchiatos, mochas, esperessos, etc. There’s no point in being assholes about them being assholes about it. But yeah, no one likes being condescended to so I get people’s ire about it.

  11. Since the first time I went to Philz with a “Z”, I’ve had a difficult time on public transportation trying to decipher whether I smell fart, or really REALLY good coffee.

  12. Hazbeen says:

    Violence would solve this issue.

  13. Brock Keeling says:

    I totally feel for Lauren. If baristas understood that, first and foremost, they act as our drug dealers, this wouldn’t be such a problem.

  14. Herr Doktor Professor Deth Vegetable says:

    That sort of attitude is exactly the reason I don’t go to Philz. *shrug*

    • Herr Doktor Professor Deth Vegetable says:

      (well, that and the fact that the whole “one-cup-at-a-time” fad is total bullshit)

  15. Girl says:

    Philz makes their own version of a mocha and other flavored coffe drinks, why didnt she just recommended one of those and explain their whole schpeil. Unnesccesary bitchassnes.

  16. Skeptical says:

    Let’s face it: mochas are for soccer moms and high schoolers. Also, it’s not that hard to read a menu.

  17. dave says:

    Some questions: The mocha orderer’s name is given as Lauren. Yet, the barista addressed her as “Ashley. Sweetie.” Now, I suspect the “sweetie” part is hyperbole. But what about the “Ashley” part? Is calling someone “Ashley” a new way to condescend to girls who seem fake, vapid, and Barbie-doll like?
    Is “Ashley. Sweetie,” a catch phrase in some movie I don’t know about? Or is Lauren using poetic license to make us know how she really felt?

  18. Patrick says:

    Phuck Philz

  19. tuffy says:

    So now this blog is press releases from approved restaurants and negative yelp reviews for the rest?

  20. Corinne says:

    Similar experience. Went in for the first time a while back and like an apparently uneducated FOOL, ordered a cappuccino at the front. The barista’s response was a snide smile and a “Yeah, welcome to Philz.” Confused, I responded with “Hi” and got a “Ok, we do things a little different around here…”.

    Looked to my friend and had her order me whatever she was getting. Pretty good but maaaan did that barista shame me.

  21. blurgh says:

    I’ve also ordered a mocha here because sometimes i want some fucking chocolate in my coffee. No one ever gave me any shit about it either. whatever.