Mission Mission

The non-embeddable trailer on the homepage is better than the one below, but whatever. (link)

No reputable unicycle shop will sell you a lock. If you can manage to escape on an opponent’s unicycle you are entitled to keep it. It’s part of the unicyclists’ code.

(Spotted @ 22nd and Bartlett)

P.S. I had to do some serious CSI shit to make this photo viewable.

Warning: Bike geekery via painter’s tape.  On Mission at 23rd.  Ask the folks at Valencia Cycles to show you how it’s done.

If I was a real journalist, I’d probably do a little research behind how these started popping up around the Mission.  Oh well.

Yeah, cyclocross is definitely going to be the next “in” thing around this part of town.  I cannot wait for the underground ‘cross races to start in Dolores.  (Video)

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can stay culturally relevant in 2010.  Facts: PBR/Tecate/Olympia are getting slutted, Mission Mission commenters tell me that Bender’s was just a 2009 meme, and fixies are a little too mainstream.

Luckily I just spotted this (spot on) video, hipsters discussing cyclocross, thus answering one of these questions.  Cyclocross (or “cross” for those obsessed with sparing syllables) bikes will replace color-coordinated fixies as the 20-something bar-bike of choice in 2010.  ’makes total sense.  A little known fact about ‘cross racers is that they already needlessly color coordinate their bikes, among other cool things.  Take my roommate’s bike:

His ride is so hip for many reasons*:

1. It’s almost completely white.  White is so euro right now.  White is the bleeding edge of cool.  Plus when you get hit by a Muni, your friends don’t have to paint your bike ghost.
2. Almost all the parts are made in Asia.  Asian bike parts are pretty hot in the cool kid community right now so the transfer of legitimacy will be easy.
3. His frame is handmade by Mike Ahrens, which means he paid more than $150 for it.  Being “limited” (via gringo economic superiority) is pretty important these days because it helps demonstrate your uniqueness (read: unfettered access to your trust fund).
4. He has to glue his tires onto his rims, thus giving him two ups over urban fixies: 1) he “accidentally” becomes “lightheaded” while fixing a flat tire and 2) he has just that much more connection to the ground.  He can feel his skid stop, the cycling equivalent of sex without a condom.  Reckless.  Feels so good.

(* none of these stereotypes apply to my roommate.  He actually works hard for his money and has a very nice haircut)

So, what about beer and bars?  The beer question is pretty easy.  I have no doubt that Colt 45 will become the beer of the year.  It’s pretty hard to find it in bars in the Mission, giving it the necessary level of rarity and exclusivity to become the next top brew.  I also watched a bunch of cool kids crushing Colts at the OTHERSIDE Cafe (vegan sandwiches until 2am, beer, bicycles, and website is a MySpace page) on a recently trip to Boston, indicating that the messenger community back East is embracing the malted goodness of Colt.  I even ordered some myself to fit in.  They’re pretty tasty.

I still have not figured out what the cool Mission bar of 2010 is.  When I figure it out, I’ll be sure to post about it once a week, minimum.

A dig at Bike Basket Pies?

SFweekly has the scoop.

I’m going to quote Sex Pigeon in full.  I’m sure he won’t mind.

Hi. I don’t normally make big purchases. I am adverse to them, even.

But this was a good bike at a nice price. I saved up for it. I wanted this good bike at this nice price.

I had it for two weeks. I rode it twice. Once, on the way home from the store, and then, to Sausalito and back. A beautiful day.

It was stolen from my backyard tonight. Not quite sure how. It was way past the other bikes, all the other bikes in the little bike tunnel in our backyard. It was picked out, selected, stolen, fresh and new. Nothing before has ever been stolen from our backyard.

If you see someone riding around on a bone white Jamis Aurora, punch them in the face. Or maybe ask them, first, where they acquired such a bike, and then if their answer seems in the least bit fishy, punch them in the face, and stomp them, and take their bike away and email me, stat, because I never bothered with nice bikes before, and now that I have, shit, I got robbed. I would like my bike back.

If anyone is going to the robber’s market at 15th and Mission tomorrow, please, look for this. It stands 59cm high, which is too high for lots of people, which will hopefully diminish its resale velocity, which will give you a wider time frame during which to punch a fucker in the face.

(Edits made. Please do not punch anyone in the face. Especially as this is not a particularly unique bike, and you would likely be punching an innocent.)

And, in all seriousness, please, I would like this back. Impossible, I know, but shit. But shit. Shit fuck and all that. I paid so much to ride a bike twice. Embarrassing.

Love,

Despite technically having nothing to do with the Mission, this video has everything to do with the Mission.

(link | hip tip Macaframa)

Photo by Pixelfairy.  R.I.P. baby batter.