Mission Mission

On Sunday, the San Francisco Chronicle released their list of top 100 restaurants in the Bay Area, or as I like to call it “Top 100 Restaurants for People with Money”. This is what they had to say about Bar Bambino:

Owner Christopher Losa has created one of the coolest Italian restaurants in one of the most unlikely (read dicey) areas of the Mission District. It feels like New York’s East Village, but the nod to organic, sustainable and recycled products is very West Coast. [Link]

Is the Chronicle seriously that pretentious? Tartine Bakery is listed every year, but they never said it was in a bad neighborhood. And actually, they’ve never said that because it’s next to Delfina, which the Chronicle loves.

Maybe Stuff that White People Like should add the Chronicle Food Section to their list.

Medjool sticks out in the Mission like an oasis in the desert. Hip, but not filled with hipsters. Crowded and sweaty, and yet it manages not to smell like urine. It has a nice roof, but SF tends toward arctic extremes at night so enjoying the view requires one to be very brave or very drunk.

There was plenty of both of the above Saturday night, the publicized “international” music night. The place was filled with douchebags, and pretty soon it was apparent why. The type of music they consider international was just enough on the ethnic side to make the crowd feel adventurous and exotic, but just enough on the white American side to feel familiar and comforting.

It’s 1999 and Carlos Santana has just made his big return with an album finally tailored to the masses. He mixes his soulful Latin guitar style with white American pop vocals. Rob Thomas singing “Smooth” made us feel like we were a part of the browner crowd while giving us something to identify with. Likewise with Dave Matthews, Everlast and the racially ambiguous Eagle-Eye Cherry. However, normally we did not like to listen to this music in front of actual Latin people, because deep bouncy castle for sale down we realized they would expose us for the posers we were.

This is what Medjool’s “international” night is like. Except you are surrounded by people as white as, or whiter, than you, who are dancing badly to embarrassing music and reminding you with every second that this is exactly what you look like. It makes you want to leave before you are seen by anybody not white.

To worsen the white factor, 9 out of 10 dudes are douchebags of the frat boy or former frat boy variety. They are all dressed exactly the same, with exactly the same hair, and utilizing exactly the same dance moves. But the most characteristic quality of the frat boy douchebag is how he treats his woman. He alternately gropes her and ignores her. Up on the roof, there were several heaters set up. In general, the men congregated in circles around these while their women huddled in the cold outside the circle, suffering because they are wearing the sort of minimal clothing that their boyfriends require to show them off in.

What I do find comforting about the Medjool experience is that for two days afterward, when asked how Medjool was, I responded with some variation of, “Douchebaggery abounds” or, “Sooo many douchebags.” And everyone nodded enthusiastically–there was no doubt what could be meant by this answer.

Pressed for time, I only made it to the two Outer Mission stops on the 24th and Mission Art Walk. Neither was as fun as Cardburg.

First, Soap Gallery:

This was opening night for Pull Here To Get Everything You Want, an exhibition of new collages by Green Party vice presidential candidate Matt Gonzalez. The modest little arrangements of scraps appeal to the OCD in all of us, and as far as repurposing found junk into art, a lot of these were a lot better than a lot of the junk at Unmonumental, the ballyhooed found-junk-themed inaugural exhibition at New York’s new New Museum location (which, incidentally, closes in a couple days).

The central element of the opening was Gonzalez. Photographers swarmed, taking lots and lots of low-angle shots of him mingling with attendees. My parents noted that he’s going gray.

Soap Gallery provided goldfish crackers, pretzels, peanuts, M&Ms, wine, three kinds of imported beer, and live music.

Next, Queen’s Nails Annex:

Queen’s Nails Annex has a cool name, this cool picture of chairs, a cool logo on its website, and it’s like right next to Argus Lounge, which is cool.

Previously on Mission Mission: 24th and Mission Art Walk Snakes around All the Best Parts of the Mission.

Last night at the Attic, a dank, dark bar next to the 24th Street BART station, we ran into six different regulars who we know from Toronado, the best beer bar in the entire world (not an exaggeration or just a personal opinion). I discovered Toronado a week after I moved to the city, and spent all the money I never had there. My palate started off with Liberty Ale, then quickly progressed to Trappist ales (read an Oakland Tribune article about me and Roquefort 8 and 10 here), to double IPAs, triple IPAs, and finally bourbon-barrel barleywines.

After a few years of being one of those people, my palate crapped out and now all I ever enjoy is a Sierra Nevada or a nice cold can of Tecate.

Because of the above, and because I graduated from SFSU and got a 9-5, I don’t really show my face around Toronado anymore.

Apparently the regulars don’t go to Toronado either. What might the reason be? I hereby speculate that it’s the yuppies. Like a perfectly poignant South Park episode, 6:15pm on the dot, yuppies descend on Toronado. They cram the bar with their date rape shirts, and the bartenders get bitchy not because they are bitches, but because they get fed up with the yuppie shenanigans. Yuppies especially like to throw around big beer nerd names: “oh, I like the complex flavors of Racer X, but my regular standard is Pliny the Elder“.

The funny thing about the Attic is the beer selection sucks. Oh, they’ve got Racer 5 and Sierra Nevada and other boring things on tap. Their bottled beers are also so-so, so I normally opt for a Budweiser, although not my favorites of the bottled.

So while people have this love for Zeitgeist being “the Mission’s Toronado”, know that the family members of the best beer bar in the entire world opt for the dark claustrophobia of The Attic.

More Bars of the Mission.

Cardburg is a miniature cardboard city, temporarily installed at CELLspace. Visitors are invited to walk amongst the skyscrapers and highways, and even tunnel into a hulking cardboard mountain. Note the back-lit residential windows, cargo cranes straight out of the Port of Oakland, and the way corrugated cardboard stands in for corrugated metal on the rooftops of a small hillside favela. Opening night was fun, but closing night will be funner, as attendees get to participate in Cardburg’s destruction. See website for calendar of events, costume inspiration and more.

Link to Cardboard Institute of Technology.

Link to my Flickr photostream.

Zeitgeist and Bender’s have gotten a lot of ink this week, and in the wake of that ink, discussion has reached a fever pitch. Over at Bay Area Riders Forum, post after post laments the impending closure of Zeitgeist and the impending yuppie takeover of Bender’s. But before things get too heated, user V4 cuts to the quick:

so when did people in the Mission learn how to read…..?

Link to BARF thread.

Link to Mission Mission Zeitgeist coverage.

Link to Mission Mission Bender’s coverage.

Link to map.

Takes place Saturday, April 5th, from 6-9pm. Looks like a nice stroll with plenty of interesting stops:

Now with so much to see in such a small area, it just hüpfburg mit rutsche made sense to combine forces. This means commercial art galleries, non-profits, artist-run spaces, shops, eateries and coffee joints have come together to give the people a chance to see it all in one night.

Link. (Via funcheapSF.com)

I missed last night’s surprise Jay Reatard performance at 12 Galaxies because I had Digitalism tickets (no regrets). I figured someone would have some good shots on Flickr. No luck. Best I could do is this shot of their set opening for the Black Keys at the Warfield. Boooring.

I also figured someone would fill me in on the details of the show. No dice. Best I could do is this transcript of a gchat between me and some aufblasbarer hindernisparcours hater I know:

melena: the black keys bleeeew my mind last night
allan: omg, what about jay reatard?
melena: if that was the shitty band that opened i was not impressed
allan: oooo no way, i’ve seen jay reatard like 7 times
melena: it was like pseudo punk
sheer cacophony and not in a cool way
allan: snap

[beat]

melena: god the black keys are so insanely talented

Boooring.

Photo by erictoledo.

Today SFGate showcased one of my Mission District beloveds, Bender’s. Read my past post here. This is what the Chronicle had to say:

Unassuming and without pretense, Benders is a go-to destination for a low-key night out.

With a rotating selection of 15 brews on tap ($4 a pint), don’t expect any overwrought mixological creations. Benders serves hard liquor the old-fashioned way. Margaritas ($5) come in pint glasses and a shot of whiskey with PBR chaser are $5 (a Wednesday special). Fancy cocktail lovers should ask the bartender – nicely – for a mint-flecked tangerine mojito ($5), which is available on Mondays.

I called it, didn’t I?

Now this is where the Chronicle is wrong. Their assessment of the “crowd” is the stereotypical mission hipster, which I’ve never really witnessed there. Maybe a few, but I’d say the crowd is a little older and a little tougher than what they’ve described:

Vegan bar food and indoor bike parking mean that Benders welcomes the bike-riding hipsters who are taking over the Mission District – and the people who love them.

#1: I don’t love vegans.
#2: I don’t love bike-riding hipsters. If I did, I’d probably be at Gestalt instead.

They also reviewed the food — which I’ve never had considering that sometimes they’re serving, sometimes not.

P.S. This Saturday Bender’s hosts the SF Spring D.I.Y. Indie Artist Expo from 1-5pm. Ok, this maybe a little hipstery, but individual creativism in any form is a good thing.

The best of the Bay Area’s alternative INDIE designers and artists together for a chance to share their items in a cool, fun & hip community market. Handmade Jewelry, Accessories, Clothing, Body Care, House wares, Paper Goods/Journals, Art and Records.

Link to permalinkless Lilycat events page. (Via funcheapSF.com)

Browse past Mission Mission food- and drink-related content.

If you’re not friends with Jay Reatard on MySpace, you’re welcome. A bulletin was posted this afternoon:

Jay Reatard is playing a second set tonight– The Warfield is sold out!
Jay’s set is at 11:30; great bands to open so get there early.

Jay Reatard
The Ohsees (John Dwyer from the Coachwhips etc)
The Pets
Ty Segall
9:00 pm
10$

@ 12 Galaxies
2565 Mission St.

@ 22nd
advanced tickets www.12galaxies.com

Browse Mission Mission’s music section for posts on Black Lips, 12 Galaxies’ wraparound Mezzanine, SXSW, and more.