Mission Mission

You already knew that the housing situation in SF and the Mission in particular was so bad that people have resorted to paying for Facebook ads in order to find a place to live, but this utterly amazing Craigslist room vacancy post is sure to depress even the most optimistic apartment seeker:

I have a shitty room available that no other people in the house want, hence the ad on CL.
I figure I can charge you more so the existing roommates can all pay less. I’ve actually been here for 8 years, so I’ll be making money off your rent.
It’s about 8×6, has a window facing a brick wall, and has no closet. The closet is down the hall, down a flight of stairs, … ah hell it’s in the garage.
Also, the room is not really a room, it’s half of a double parlour and your door is a sliding one that doesn’t close all the way. You can hear your roommate on the other side think.
We’re having an open house, so if you really like talking about yourself and giving us your life story while other strangers are present, you’ll be in your element.
One of our roommates is out of town, we would like you to skype with him a few days from now when we’ve picked some people out. Then after that we will narrow it down again to a select few (10) and meet next week for round two. We don’t have a life so we welcome the chance to have people over that show interest in us and praise our wonderful abode and everything about us, whether it’s sincere or not. Hey, a couple of us guys are single, so this could be a chance for us to score some dates. I don’t think that’s creepy at all.
We’d like your facebook and linkedin info. We feel that we can tell what kind of person you are and what you’ll be like, just from looking at how many friends you have online. There’s never been a better way to get to know someone.
Send us an email or go buy a lottery ticket – chances of getting the room are roughly the same.

Obviously it’s not real (I hope), but having gone through the soul-crushing Mission housing search on Craigslist myself a while back, I can tell you with complete confidence that it is extremely close to the truth.

(Thanks Jason!)

College can be a pretty fun experience, and sometimes it’s a little tough to let go and embrace the real world when it’s all over.  That seems to be the case with this Craigslist post from a recent graduate:

Wanted: One big room, full of girlfriends – w4ww – 22 (mission district)

Trendy ladies of the Mission, listen up. I am at my wit’s end. I am a recent transplant to this city from Seattle (don’t I get cool points for that already?) and after four months of hanging with the same three people (also, all transplants), I am at a lost as to how to make new girlfriends. Listen up Carries, Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes of the world, I want one big a$$ room full of bada$$ girlfriends. I want to form the trendiest girl group that will knock all other Mission girl groups out of the park. I want us to form the trendiest group where we go biking, brunching, happy-houring, getting trendy a$$ coffee together-ing.

I want it all, and I want to be YOUR best gal pal.

Full listing after the jump…

(Thanks Carolyn!)  [Completely unrelated photo by Carina]

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On a nondescript Sunday at the 500 Club, one particular karaoke crooner’s artful rendition of a George Michael song managed to attract the attention of members of both sexes, so much so that they each posted competing Missed Connections vying for his affection.

He must be doing something right!  Team Vag fired the first salvo:

500 Club karaoke – boy in the striped shirt – w4m (mission district)

i liked the way you sang george michael.

i was with my roommate and we split really fast when we realized we were running late to a show.

wish i would have talked to you.

i was the one in the white dress.

p.s. i’ve never posted here before. yikes.

Sensing that the opportunity was slipping way, Team Penis finally got on the board later that night:

Singing George Michael at 500 club on Sunday – m4m – 25 (mission district)

You were singing George Michael at 500 club on Sunday. I’m shy and wearing a green sweater — which is why I didn’t say hi. Email me if you want to grab a drink at 500 club sometime.

No need to fight!  I’m sure there’s plenty of him to go around.  And I wouldn’t have said hi either if I was wearing a green sweater.  The point is that I think it’s safe to say that striped shirts are back (though neither poster specifies vertical or horizontal–this is important, people!).

Stay tuned for more hyper-hyper-hyper-local news!

[Photo (probably not of boy in question) by Scott Annechino, karaoke photographer extraordinaire]

Some folks decided to build a treehouse in the outer Mission’s McLaren park and want to invite you to do stuff there and take pictures. You know, for the environment. Here’s a clip of their craigslist ad:

Last week we built a tree house in McLaren park just off of Sunnydale Ave behind the school. It is rather sturdy, can hold up to four people and has an overhead tarp to protect inhabitants from rain. This treehouse was created with the intentions of imagining how the world might look if we don’t stop climate change.

This treehouse is free for use 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Please feel free to conduct any activities you like in this space. We ask that if at all possible that you take photos of your use of the treehouse or send us an email to talk about your thoughts and feelings on this project.

(via Kasper Hauser. This one is real, unlike the ads on their alternate-reality khraigslist)

Have you ever wondered, while waiting in a 25-minute line for your salted caramel and balsamic strawberry cone, whether Studio 3579 sells men’s or women’s clothing?  Well, the answer is neither, since it appears that the work/shop is now being advertised on Craigslist.  Maybe you can convince your Pop$ to front some cash so you can open an edgy gallery at “the gateway to the best microcosm of Mission food in the area”  and “take advantage of the Bi-Rite ice cream line in and hungry masses crowding the sidewalks on their way to Bi-Rite Market, Delfina and Tartine.”  Act now before Forever 21 snatches it up.

Bonus Listing!!! — Got a killer quick eats idea?  Ready to become the next Pal’s Takeaway or Rhea’s Deli and battle for neighborhood sandwich supremacy?  Perhaps you have a really classy sign with which you want to tempt thieves?  Or do you just wish Banh M(a)i would quit messing around with this Twitter silliness and open a damn Vietnamese sandwich place in the Mission?  Well, your dream spot is available for only $20k and $400/month rent.  Sandwich entrepeneur, make me proud!

[photo by Eater . . . PDX???]

Previously: Live Above Zeitgeist!

An offer too good to be true?

We’ve got individual rooms for rent!—think college dorm-style, a long hallway down the middle with rooms on either side, shared bathrooms, shared toilets. Below, Zeitgeist is a vibrant bar with a sunny beer garden for SF summers. We’re looking for a few good additions to our tenant base who can appreciate the bustly setting below while also respecting the solitude of their fellow hotel mates above the bar. Two rooms are available this month, two more next, each approximately 10′ x 10′. Electrical, water, and free Internet access are all included. We require a $600 security deposit, a $50 key deposit, and first month’s rent at lease signing. Here’s another cool thing: drugs are absolutely not tolerated, but well-behaved pets are. We’re dog and cat friendly. Background checks and credit checks will be run on all applicants, if only because the harmony of our living space is important to us. Interested? Please come by the bar and fill out an application or, better yet, make an appointment by contacting out resident property manager at: timeghost11@gmail.com.

I love the part about how “drugs are absolutely not tolerated.”  I’ll remember that the next time a coked-out bartender yells at me for only ordering two bloody marys.  On the other hand, you’ll be in perfect position to observe what I call the “Zeitgeist Paradox,” which postulates that on nice and sunny SF days when it seems as though it would be perfect to hang out at Zeitgeist, in actuality you don’t want to go anywhere near Zeitgeist because it’s packed to hell in there.

Zeitgeist Paradox Null-Hypothesis

And of course, if the city has their way, you won’t have to worry about smoke wafting up from the courtyard anymore either!  Burger fumes are another story, but only Vegansaurus would have a problem with that.  I also want to put on record that I really really wish my email address was timeghost11.  Totally fucked that one up.

Oh, and are you wondering how I shot all these pictures in the Zeitgeist courtyard without getting tossed?

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BULK CANDY VENDING MACHINE
4 Used – Vendesign Carousel 4-in-1 Candy Vending Machines in good working condition
Very elegant looking. Ideal money maker – can be located in a corner of a business location. It occupies about one square foot of floor space. It has a rotating head that holds four plastic removable containers for easy refilling and cleaning. Can be filled with a variety of products. Requires little maintenance. Stands on a black metal sturdy frame, post and circular stand for stability. It will pay for itself in a few weeks. Asking $60 each OBO.

This baby has been sitting on Craiglist’s Mission Business page since the beginning of the month, and no one seems to realize its true potential.  All it takes is one hot idea and your humble starting spot in the corner of a liquor or dollar store can eventually become the Mission’s next Bi-Rite or El Farolito.  Twitter may have even started this way.

The tricky part is figuring out exactly what kind of killer app we can place inside that will make us RICH RICH RICH . . .

LIVER BISCOTTI

I like the thought here.  Dogs need treats all the time, and they’re going on walks all the time.  Sooner or later, dogwalkers will happen upon this machine, and they will find exactly what they need.  It’s too perfect not to work!  Are there enough dog walkers in the Mission, however?  You tell me.

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Missed Connection between my face and your boot:

Did you beat me up Friday night? – 27 (mission district)

(this is not a romantic listing) Friday around 4:30pm I started drinking at Zeitgeist. I don’t think I was drinking heavily, but probably started a little early. Better get some food to soak up some of the alcohol, I thought. So me and friend hit Aslom’s Rasoi for some tasty Indian food. Then we went back to his place around the corner and drank large amounts of liquor. This is where my memory temporarily stops.

I actually *did* believe, before opening the link, that it was romantic listing. So I’m a little sad about that. I do applaud him for trying to stay on an even keel with the help of some fart-inducing food — but beer before liquor!?

The next memory I have is me stumbling down the street with puke on my sleeve, dirt all over and feeling pretty grumpy. I got a cab from the Castro Bank of America and didn’t notice until the next morning that my jaw was swollen as hell and I had a black eye.

And now you’re that guy who ruins my great night in the Mission because I have to step around your massive pile of spicy-smelling vomit. Congratulations.

I can live with the swollen and bruised face, but not knowing how I got it is really eating me. I’m left to fill in the blanks on my own and I’m afraid I may have been a total jerk, or possibly just fell down some stairs?

I was wearing a white and gray striped sweater and had on a brown hat.

I love when stereotypes come true.

So, if you kicked my a$$ (or saw me get it kicked), why not take credit for it and let me know. I would really like to know what I did/said in order to receive this masterpiece beating.

I think this guy is leaving out a lot. This has probably happened before. I witness this every Friday night in the Mission — some young dude wearing a striped sweater and a hat (probably corduroy or knit with that little half bill that tough guys think make them look sensitive) vomits in the street, gets in a fight, and acts like it’s OK to turn a great neighborhood into the Vegas Strip.

P.S. Are you a ninja?

Maybe I kicked his ass because he says stupid shit like “Are you a ninja”?

Previously on Mission Mission:

Dick Cabbie Robs Fare, Leaves Her Curbside, Battered and Phoneless

‘Hamlet’ with Zeitgeist Employees

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Snap! This person got served! I don’t even want to see the original post, this really says it all.

Previously on Mission Mission:

‘Hipster’ ‘Douchebag’ ‘Mission District’

I swear I didn’t write this

From Missed Connections:

We met outside of Delirium. We went to my house and I got the best BJ of my life. I wanted to say thankyou, that was aufblasbarer hindernisparcours insanley good.You are a sweet little schoolgirl, and you made my week!
I would have called for a repeat, but your number is illegible. Maybe I will see you again at the bar.
Thanks again.

Ladies: Don’t line up all at once!

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