Mission Mission

Aw HELL NO!  2010, I’ve grown awfully fond of you, but you’re messing with my foodstuffs already and it’s only day 6.  Two items:

Item #1: The unveiling of Rosamunde: Mission District has been pushed from January 11th to a January 15th soft launch and a January 18th grand opening.  Sausage, soft, launch… these jokes write themselves, people.  Let’s just hope this story has a happy ending, hyuk hyuk hyuk. [SFoodie]

Item #2: The fine folks of Weird Fish have officially moved their asses out of Bender’s.  Burgers and fried things are to be replaced with sausages, sandwiches, potatoes.  Just when I thought I’d left the Eastern bloc behind me!  I eagerly await KevMo commentary on this critical update.  [Eater SF]

P.S. The title is a haiku.  Count ‘em syllables, I dare you.

I don’t go to Blondie’s. Because I live here. Right??

Anyway, I went to Blondie’s on New Year’s Day to wash off my hangover with some tequila and my weird friends got Bloody Marys with bleu cheese olives and sausage olives. The general response was that bleu cheese olives are good and sausage olives are bad, “like little meat ice cubes.”

*Did it!

How many late-’00s Mission District memes can you fit into one subject line?  Apparently not all of them:

Q:  What makes your ‘Taco Truck’ so different?

A:  First, we don’t even sell tacos, second we don’t just sell food but we are a community hub for health conscious people and are educating youth on organic gardening. (link)

I wonder what the ’10s will bring for Mission ‘food culture’?  Hopefully a little less pretentiousness.  SFoodie, food journalism’s equivalent to Fox News, continues to refer to the “alt food“ trend as a “movement” and “revolution.”  Kind of a shame; I used to really enjoy eating from the generally delicious food carts, but now I have such a hard time looking past the fact that I’m walking right into a narcissistic Twitter circle jerk every time I stroll down Linda St.  Henry Ford invented the automobile.  When are you guys going to figure out that you just toss salad?

I was just sitting here thinking ’bout how I should head to Dalva sometime soon to see their newly revamped back room.  Immediately following this thought came the realization that I could likely satisfy my  curiosity with  some minimal Googling.

True!  Take it away, wordsmiths at UrbanDaddy!

There lurks a sultry crimson-stained den with leather banquettes. And at the bar’s helm is expert cocktail slinger Todd Smith (Beretta, Bourbon & Branch), hand pouring everything from Pappy Van Winkle 15 to Mexican Coke to the bourbon-infused Creole Cocktail—basically, a more artisanal selection than you’ll find at the bar out front. And if you bring enough friends, you can spill over into the intimate lair just upstairs.

Such lush language!  Makes me feel like cuddling.

They describe Dalva’s Hideout as a “bar within a bar,” which is also what M.C. Escher doodles when he gets drunk.  I’m curious to see how two bars can be crammed into such a small space without becoming an unbearable shit show.  Guess I’ll have to make a visit after all and slam back some artisanals.

The future of advertising: deadpan, nonchalant. Yeah.

SoCha Cafe on Mission and Valencia.

P.S. Did you know “SoCha” is short for “South of Chavez”? Barf.

Tamale Day went down when I was -OTS, sadly.  Looked like a KILLER TIME.

Tamale day is a strong believer in segregation and prejudice.  But rather than using this as hate, we use them as tools. You see white people have fucked up tamale day more than enough times. As a result we’ve had to enact some rules. Now I understand some people think this is “wrong” but to those people I say fuck you, white people ruin all our shit anyways and Tamale Day is about BROWN PRIDE! We don’t fuck with that vegan train of sucks, rolled tacos, white ass rice, or mango chutneys or whatever weak ass bullshit these cornball motherfuckers want to introduce.

The number one crime whites have commited at Tamale Day was touching the fucking steamer. One year a bunch of my hungry friends kept on checking the steamer. The problem with this is that the steam then escapes and condensates on the lid. The water drips on the tamales below which have dropped in temperature so that it takes longer to cook soggy tamales. After that year the coalition of the brown enacted a no white people allowed to touch the steamer initiative.

Mission Mission favorite Kati Jackson took a trip to the great city of Portland and stumbled across this burrito guide.  Dunno.  I always unwrap my burrito or else I end up eating tinfoil because I didn’t get enough oxygen when I was born.  It’s never been a problem.  The burrito, that is.

Also, for those of you who don’t have the time to read the Shakespearean string of comments that I’m sure this post will envoke, let me sum it up for you:

1. I don’t get it.  What the FUCK does THIS have to do with THE MISSOIN?!?
2. Argh, where’s Allan?
3. Kevin, why don’t you just commit seppuku with a bag of skittles already?
4. This is the worst blog on the fucking internet, but I’m gunna continue reading it anyways because my life is kinda shitty right now.
5. Katie who?
6. lol the mouth in #3 is funnie roflmaozhedongs

I used to love this place: you could pretty much roll in any day of the week, toss your bike up in the rack, get served a vegan sausage and a liter of beer from someone who always seemed to be more drunk than you and proceed to drink until you were ready to have a track stand contest on the pool table.  Then Murph sold the business to some bro and opened up shop in Fairfax.  Bro then installed some televisions, then a DJ booth, then tossed the bike rack in the dumpster, started having issues keeping sauerkraut in stock, the employees sobered up, the bathroom stopped being covered in piss and cum, and the scene left for Bender’s.

The only redeeming value of the ‘new’ Gestalt Haus was you could still order a liter of beer and bet money if there would be any food in stock.  Well, a tipster tells us that they’ve taking up refusing to serve some beer in liter glasses: “I offered to pay the guy $20 dollars to pour a Leffe in a liter glass and he flat out refused saying it was now against bar policy.”

RIP Gestalt.

I saw this on Eater this morning and had myself a laugh.  Then I realized this wasn’t a joke and felt bad, kinda like I just laughed at the Mission’s latest special-needs restaurant.  But seriously, what’s up with this place?  Yeah, I appreciate the holiday spirit, but Tuba?  Also, given the plethora of delicious Valencia eateries, no one is going to stop off for food in the place tucked away to the west with a logo made by someone’s nephew who “has photoshop.”

The next chapter of the Rosamunde saga!  Emma sent us this mouthwatering shot of the newly built facade on 24th and Mission.  Peace out, Cafe Arguello!

The chapter after this one will involve them finishing the sign.  Then the chapter after that will outline the restaurant opening.  The shocking conclusion will be you trying a sausage and deciding whether you like it or not.

Though an ambitious effort, this book is crazy boring.