Mission Mission

Carolina is my Spanish name.

Parkgoer Gabriella had the pleasure:

That scruffy man constantly selling and yelling “cold beer” at Dolores Park decided to sit next to me on a bench today. He told me how he’s only dated Asian women for the past 25 years, how to make homemade LSD, and that Sid Vicious was the lead singer of The Ramones. [link]

Sounds good to me! (Oh and here’s a cool picture of Sid Vicious we posted a while back.)

[via Wooster Collective]

Taquerias in the Mission are obviously great and all, but how many of them are wearing their own sombreros?

Lemme know if you want it back.

Famed local booze blogger Camper English recently called out San Francisco bar owners and bartenders for their increasingly generic cocktail bars and menus:

As bartenders have figured out what works here (drinks with bitter flavors and fresh ingredients, but not too many) and what doesn’t (molecular mixology), they’ve played it increasingly safe with each new venue that opens. The new cocktail programs are great but they invoke fewer original ideas. Bartenders in up-and-coming cities have no such pre-fixed notions of what works in their market yet, and often take more creative risks both in the bar design and in the drinks. Now our local bartenders need to look outside the city for good ideas to incorporate and build upon.

I’ve noticed this trend as well, but I don’t think it’s specific to San Francisco. Now that there’s a fancy cocktail bar on every corner the hipper areas of major cities, you’d expect an increase in variety and creativity. Instead, bars seem content to ride the wave of cocktail obsession by offering unadorned classic cocktails at high and rising prices. Subbing out an ingredient for it’s schmancier equivalent (like using Cocchi Americano instead of dry vermouth) seems to qualify as an innovative variation. The design and styling of each new bar consists of as much hardwood as can fit in the budget while hopefully leaving room for funny outfits.

The issue is that while customers get more educated, the offerings are getting less impressive and more generic. Adding to the problem, there is so much demand for skilled bartenders that the people making these cocktails, at least in my experience, don’t always know what they’re doing. (Tip: if your bar is designed to look like a speakeasy, don’t muddle an orange into your Old-Fashioned.) In short, there’s often not a lot going on that I can’t do at least as well at home.  It’s sad because in most cases there are a lot of creative people and not enough venues, whereas in this case there are plenty of venues but not enough creativity.

Sometimes I wonder what we are going to do with all these neighborhood bars that have been overly remodeled to look like libraries when the bubble bursts and two thirds of them go out of business. Maybe we can turn them into libraries.

[Illustration by Joan Horne]

Reader and commenter D. Jon Moutarde said the other day, “Y’know, the best burrito is the one you learn to make yourself. Just sayin’ y’all.” I was skeptical, so I replied, “I’ve been making burritos myself for about 25 years and I’ve yet to get anywhere close to the best Mission burritos. What’s your secret?” And here it is:

You really want to know?

1. Go to the place that sells what you consider to be the “best” Mission burrito, and order one. If you can watch them assemble it, so much the better.

2. DO NOT eat it; take it home and disassemble it carefully. Take careful note of your burrito’s ingredients and make a list of them. If you think of any items that might enhance the awesomeness of the burrito, in your eyes, add them to the list.

3. Buy all the ingredients on your list, bring them home, prep them as necessary, and assemble new burritos — for a party of four, if you’re feeling brave. Stand back and bask in the pride.

The only tricky parts are the tortillas and meat. You want the freshest tortillas possible — if you’re not ready to make them yourself, then scout around for stuff that looks like it might be extra-local. And how far are you willing to go with the meat? Safeway has already-cooked carnitas, and Duc Loi has ready-to-grill carne asada that will cook in about 10 minutes… or you could get some trash cuts with lots of connective tissue cheap and slow-cook it for a few hours until it falls apart. The world of meat is vast and wonderful.

The essence of cheap “Mexican” food is that it is so easy that a trained monkey could make it — that’s how it stays cheap! Its ingredients are more-or-less separable; it’s not something like a soup or cake where it can be difficult to figure out what’s in there. All you need is confidence, taste, and a systematic approach to production.

Simple enough. But I still wonder if there’s some bit of magic that goes along with mass production that gives Mission burritos an extra boost. (Also, I wish I were as talented in the kitchen as a trained monkey.) Thanks, Jon!

Local chef Carlos explains:

made myself a perked ass rendition of a Cuban torta last night which included ham salami hot dog & steak. [link]

Looks killer!

That was quick! Check it out! (There’s a hoodie too!)

Reader Joshua wrote in to report the following home invasion bike theft and accompanying photos of the thief (recognize him?):

On March 31 at 5:22 AM Saturday Morning, a man entered our locked front door on the 800 Block of Guerrero Street, went down into the locked garage and relieved it of four bikes, ripping one off the wall.

2012 54″ White Specialized Allez with SRAM Apex
2009 51″ Turquoise Jamis Quest Femme (105 Double, maybe with a BullDog lock still attached to the rack that had been bolted to the wall)
2008 Medium Black Masi Soulville 8 with Front and Rear racks a Velo Orange saddle
1999 56″ Yellow LeMonde Tourmalet

That’s right, one of those bikes was ripped off the wall with the lock still attached. The thing is, this is the fourth garage break-in/bike theft I know of from the past month and vicinity:

• Our pal Jenny reports that her garage (around 29th/Dolores) was broken into with one bike stolen on March 10th,
• This theft from the Glen Park area, via WBTC,
• And my own bike was stolen out of a garage around 30th/San Jose on March 18th, also entering through a locked front door.

When the police showed up at the scene of my bike’s theft, they mentioned that they are aware of a string of similar incidents and this may be a repeat offender.

I suppose I should list some safety tips and advice, or something. Here’s what I’ve learned, anyway:

• Make sure you have a deadbolt on any doors leading to a garage, and make sure to use it.
• If your garage opens with a code, change it frequently.
• Lock your bike to something in your garage. Apparently, this doesn’t necessarily change anything, but it’s another deterrent.
• If you must hold onto your bike, store it in your apartment, instead of a separate storage area.
• If someone really wants your bike, they can have it. Everything we own is essentially on loan from the universe.
• Be okay with losing irreplaceable things, or own replaceable things. The bike that was taken from me was a cheap single speed from an online wholesaler, and though it bruised my bank account, I was back on practically the same wheels within a week.
• If your bike is truly sacred to you, write down its serial number somewhere safe. This is pretty much the only way the police can help you if your bike turns up on Craigslist or elsewhere.
• As Vic would say, sleep with your bikes under your pillows, kids.

Update: Here’s time lapse footage from Joshua’s garage burglary.