Mission Mission

Last night, local funnyman Sean Keane competed in San Francisco’s first Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction event.

What is a “Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction”, you ask? Sean explains it:

The competition is split into two parts: in the first, contestants read prepared pieces of erotic fan fiction (topics last night included Animaniacs, Angry Birds, and the sitcom Family Matters). Before they read, contestants from the second round draw topics from a bag, and write their own pieces while the prepared works are read. Second-round topics included Watership Down, Carl Sagan’s Cosmos, and X-Men.

He may have been thrown a soft ball by drawing “Driving Miss Daisy”, but boy did he ever deliver with his epic “Riding Miss Daisy“. Here’s an excerpt:

Miss Daisy gazed at Hoke’s strong black hands, rough from years of gripping the wheel but surprisingly tender. Hoke swung into the right lane and accelerated past a slow-moving jalopy with ease, almost caressing the wheel as he made the pass. Miss Daisy unbuttoned the top button of her blouse, exposing a neck that hadn’t known the lips of a man since the Great Depression.

That’s about as clean as it gets. If you haven’t eaten recently, maybe you’ll want to read the rest of this very, very wrong piece of fiction here.

I don’t think there were any winners in this event.

Sure, you could make countless trips to the dump scrounging reclaimed materials, or you could just buy the parklet in front of Fabric8 for a considerable markup, drop it in your yard, and call it a day.

This one-of-a-kind parklet was designed and built by San Francisco artist Erik Otto using recycled materials. It has been featured in numerous publications, documentaries, and television programs. Most materials were procured from SF Recology (aka the dump) via Otto’s previous artist-in-residence there.

Amenities include 4 custom-made bean bags; low-voltage lighting system inside the house; and delivery/installation within the area. Can be purchased in part or whole. Olive tree and steel foundation excluded. Seller financing available.

More information: http://fabric8.com/parklet/2011.html

Not really my style, but I call dibs on Deep’s parklet triceratops if that ever goes for sale.

[Craigslist via Curbed SF]

There has been a recent wave of knife crimes perpetrated by two suspects who start by asking a potential victim: ”Are you in a gang?” The question apparently doesn’t have a right answer, and it has resulted in stabbing incidents at Civic Center and Outer Mission.

My first thought was to immediately make a run for it if I ever heard that question, but SFist reports that this approach resulted in a shooting on Sunday morning near 16th and Mission. The victim answered negatively and started to flee. The suspects then shot him in the foot and fled the scene in a blue Buick. This is the first report of a shooting resulting from crimes of this nature.

Anyone who witnessed the Sunday morning shooting is encouraged to call SFPD’s anonymous tipline at (415) 575-4444 or send a text message TIP411.

As always, be aware of your surroundings and try not to travel alone late at night.

[via SFist]

Cover your nether regions, one angry clerk at Pay’n Save (18th and Guererro) is taking his hatred of the lazy to the streets:

Hey I’m not crazy about lazy people either, but I gotta say: corner store clerks aren’t exactly the most shining example of hard workers, unless you count sitting on a folding chair next to a box fan for hours and sighing heavily when someone asks for double-A batteries “working”.

I kid, I kid. Thanks for all the Tecate and coconut juice.

Woah, did you know you can “walk” through Bi-Rite using Google Maps? I didn’t either, until I accidentally dragged the little yellow Google dude on top of it. See for yourself.

It’s surprisingly high-resolution. You can even zoom in and read the sandwich menu. Glad Google decided to preserve this snapshot of history. In 10 years we’ll be looking back at this and saying, “wow I remember when a 2″ x 2″ block of artisanal cheese only cost $7!”

Anyone know any other places that have this enabled? I want to live vicariously through my web browser as I work all day in an Oakland cubicle.

Street food babe and SF subletter by choice Valerie Luu interviewed that girl we posted about last week who was having such a hard time finding a place to live that she resorted to facebook advertising. Was her search fruitful? Apparently not:

What did people say?

“You’re fucking dumb.” is one that struck out the most because I don’t think there’s anything dumb about utilizing a popular social network to help.

Anything helps, right? So why not use it?

I’ve gotten offers from people who wanted me to live with them and I even made a few friends! But mostly what they were offering wasn’t ideal to me (like sharing a house room with two other people, or relocating to Oakland.)

Damn, well if she can’t share a room with two other people, then forget about renting half a bed. So she’s moving back to Seattle for now, the mythical land of sub-$3000 900 sq. ft. studios.

Read on over at SubletSF.

Spotted in front of Borderlands Sunday:

Was it you? If so, I think someone found them and dropped them off at Golden Eagle Market. Don’t get any funny ideas, key collectors.

Well, as far as we can tell, La Rondalla isn’t any closer to reopening since the last time we checked. It’s clear they missed their projected “by June at the latest” launch date.

However, they are continuing their long tradition of putting up mysterious signs with vague references to current events in order to demonstrate that they are still alive:

But wait, are these really elaborate clues about the fate of the restaurant? Let’s analyze:

“Summer time blues”: Well it is summer, but why the blues? Are the blues about acquiring the necessary permits to tack up dangerous amounts of tinsel throughout the interior as they did in the past?

“No kid hungry”: Is this alluding to some kind of after-school meal program that they plan to offer?

Just in case you find yourself needing a baby stroller or some used LEGOs, our downstairs neighbors in Bernal are having a hill-wide garage sale today until 3pm. There are over 70 houses participating. Details here, mega-map here.

Dang, and you thought Mission rentals were bad. In Nob Hill, you gotta pay $450 a month for half a bed:

________ Looking for a full time male employee or student who is a currently working or studying professionally,clean, responsible, respectful and trustworthy ( prefer morning shift ) ideally someone with less belonging and less stuffs

*** Perfect location for business traveller / short term visitor / new commer / someone needs a temporary place before moving on / or who currently work and study closed by financial district / someone travelling locally or around downtown San Francisco

At least there are some partition pillows to enforce stay-on-your-side, but ‘cmon. The guy could at least get his shit together and get a bunk bed.

[Craigslist via CurbedSF]